You've seen them, these questionnaires where celebrities or politicians or regular blokes and blokettes (how's that for political correctness, huh?) answer anywhere from twelve to fifty questions based on a questionnaire comprised of more or less whimsical questions, which is usually referred to as the "Proust Questionnaire".
Marcel Proust (*1871 - †1922) was a French author and critic. He did not invent this type of questionnaire, which was a popular past time at fin de siècle social events, but was asked to fill it out on two occasions during his life. There are various versions of these questionnaires floating among the pages of the WWW, only some of which are comprised of the questions Proust himself had to answer (though the name has stuck).
Vanity Fair features a celebrity answering the Proust Questionnaire every month, the German news magazine Der Spiegel puts a politician or other public figure on the spot every week. Since I don't see myself on the pages of Vanity Fair any time soon, I thought it might be fun to give these questions a shot right here and today, on June 21, 2005.
The questionnaire as it is used here is a combination of the two original questionnaires answered by Proust.
What is your present state of mind?
Balanced.
What is your greatest fear?
To be eaten alive by a giant spider.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Wealth, health, and wisdom, though not necessarily in that order. And the moments leading up to orgasm, of course.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Crazy Horse (Tashunca-Uitco).
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Intentional cruelty.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
You gotta buy me a few drinks first before I tell you.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Expensive watches.
What is your favorite journey?
Any journey. Except when I have to go to the I.R.S.
On what occasion do you lie?
When it would be gratuitously abusive not to.
Where would you like to live?
In any free and open society, preferably in one that lives near nice beaches.
Which historical figure do you most despise?
Heinrich Himmler
Which living person do you most despise?
Elwood P. Doubleday, Jr.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"I don't know." Probably because I don't know a lot of things.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Love cannot be gauged.
What is your greatest regret?
That I didn't take piano lessons as a kid when I had the chance.
When and where were you happiest?
The day I realized that happiness can be found in the present.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I'd make them into ranchers with a plenty of horses.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd give myself the wisdom to realize what changes are actually needed.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.
What is your principal defect?
Cynicism
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Dependency.
What would you like to be?
A 50 ft. alligator in New York. What else? Sheesh!
What natural gift would you like most to possess?
All of them. Except modesty.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Promiscuity.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity.
In what country would you like to live?
Western Europe and USA, and perhaps Australia or New Zealand or Canada.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Ask me again in 30 years.
What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
If I don't come up with any great achievements within the next 30 years.
What is your most treasured possession?
Apart from health?
What is your most marked characteristic?
A certain joyful, good natured nihilism.
What is the quality you most appreciate in a man?
Intelligence paired with kindness.
What is the quality you most appreciate in a woman?
Intelligence and kindness paired with good looks.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Donald Duck, Don Quixote de la Mancha, and Huckleberry Fynn.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Hulk
How would you like to die?
With my boots on.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, who or what do you think it would be? If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Gojira.
What is your favorite: color, flower, bird, and occupation?
Anthracite, Dandylion, Penguin, Scuba Diving
Who are your favorite writers, composers, painters, and poets?
Too many, so here are just a few examples.
Writers: Kafka, Dick, Hemingway, Tolkien, Stevenson, Barks.
Composers: Beethoven, Goldsmith, Mahler, Mozart, North, Morricone, Stravinsky, and Cage.
Painters: Picasso, Kadinsky, van Gogh, Hopper, Pollock.
Poets: Lichtenstein, Eichendorff, Fontane, Seuss.
What is your motto?
"I believe in the here and now, but with an eye on the there and then."
(Nicolai P. Zwar. Why always quote other people?)
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